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Blue Chalk and Love Notes :: Lessons from a 7 Year Old || 4 Months Post Adoption

We bought a new rug. Thanks to some welcome home gift cards and a giant, yet washable, stain on the upper right corner, we walked out of Kmart with a giant size piece of carpet for less than my Aldi grocery bill.

The basement had decidedly been quartered off to make a playroom for our girl, who has befriended most of the children on our street and hosts tea parties, art classes, and teaches school to unknowing 3 year olds.

My living room and my minor OCD were not surviving the traffic.

The finished product (on a minimal budget) made me and our girl proud and so with excitement I announced that she could have her "quiet time" in the basement in her new play room.
(We have a quiet time every day for 1 hour to refuel her engine and give her a bit of time to wind down. But let's be honest...it is really for me.)

I heard the pitter-patter of feet running up the stairs, far too early than previously agreed. As an excited 7-year old face peered around the corner I automatically knew. Some thing had gone terribly wrong.

"I have a VERY awesome gift for you, Mommy." Blink. Blink, blink, blink.

I slowly walked down the steps, eyes half open because she had requested me blindfolded - to which I met her with a compromise of no.

As I entered the quarter size playroom and looked down, I gasped. The brand new white/cream/beige carpet (should of seen that one coming) that had been so delicately placed in our child's playroom (again, really didn't seen this coming?) was covered, COVERED, in bright neon blue chalk.

It was like a Smurf crime scene.
Her pride soared.
My jaw dropped.

As I looked from the carpet to her face and back again, it was obvious that I was in shock. And her joy went from soaring to broken.

"What did you do?" I asked.

And in a quiet voice she said, "I wrote you a love note."

As I looked closer, I realized that all the lines and circles and shapes were not random. They were calculated. And designed with care.

I LUV U MOMMY! heart shape. heart shape. heart shape.
N J E F. (This is her sleek way of writing code for our family - Nosipho, Jessa, Erik, Family) heart shape. heart shape. heart shape.
LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEEEE. heart shape. heart shape. heart shape.
Chicken shape. (I'm still not totally sure how this one fits into the love note, but I'm sure it will come to me in some divine revelation when she is 16. Or she just really loves chickens.)

I am no adoption expert. Not even close. But even the worst informed adoptive parent would know two things in this situation:

1. My response to this situation was absolutely horrible.
2. We are the luckiest people in the world.

Adoption is hard.
The waiting process is daunting, exhausting, and heart-breaking at times.
And when you finally cross over to the much anticipated moment of meeting the child you have prayed for, cried over, pursued, and worked so hard to bring home, there is a part of you that feels like you should be singing and dancing everyday.

I am amazed at how quickly that emotion fades. And how quickly I forget that this is the little girl that stole our hearts and set us on a life-changing path.

When your daughter is kicking, screaming, crying, and scratching for anything she can touch in the heat of a total breakdown because she doesn't know how to express her needs, you forget that there is a little person in there that is broken and hurting.

When your 7-year old is asking you to dress her every morning and carry her to bed every single night when you know she is capable of doing it and all you want is 5 minutes to finish eating your cold dinner, you forget that there is a child in there whose basic needs have never been met the way they needed to be.

And when your daughter, who you adopted only 4 months ago, gives you kisses and hugs everyday and writes love (did you hear that? LOVE) notes in your brand new carpet, you forget that it is nothing short of a miracle that this little child is your daughter. And that by the grace of God, she has been able to find small pieces of healing and little reasons to trust, despite the many, MULTIPLE (like on the daily) moments where we TOTALLY screw up this whole parenthood thing.

We eventually scrubbed out the blue chalk and the stain in the right hand corner of the carpet. The stain came out completely. But there are hints of blue all over the rug and I am thankful for that. Thankful for the reminder that mistakes along the way are often more beautiful than perfecting the process.

Home.

We made it. It may have been a little over a week ago and it may be that I have been too tired to even think about posting on our blog...

But we made it. By the grace of God, we traveled over 9,000 miles, 23 hours, and 3 viewings of Frozen on the airplane to arrive back in Minnesota and into the arms of the people we love.

We have so much to be thankful for. We are figuring out this new life one step at a time, but praising God for His unending mercies, faithfulness, and grace.

Learning each day how to live and breath into our new role as parents.

There is a lot to write about, a lot to discover, and a lot of really hilarious things that (as parents) we probably shouldn't be laughing at. (We will be reporting all these missteps and adventures as soon as we have one solid night of uninterrupted sleep).

For now, here is a little glimpse into one of the most precious moments of our lives.

Thank you to all who have been praying, supporting, journeying through this adventure with us. We know that the hard part is just now starting, but are so thankful for the love we have been shown.

It is good to be home.

Hello 30, Goodbye '13.

Sometimes you need to walk away. Just walk away.
Like when you are trying to hang that weird plastic stuff on your windows because it is supposed to help you keep your house warm and the plastic keeps clinging to you.
Or when you are trying to beat your husband's high score on the phone game "Dots" and have officially cramped your fingers into a permanent "index pointing" position only to realize your score is so low that it doesn't even make the board.
Or when you are trying to get the "perfect" sock bun that everyone says is so easy to do, yet somehow you are the only person in the world who's hair thinks it would look better as a 80's rock star sunburst.

Or when something becomes so overbearing and looming that the pressure makes your heart want to sink faster and more traumatically than the Titanic.

I know that writing is a form of therapy for many. It is a form of therapy for me. At times.

But there was a time that I needed to walk away. When the thought of writing yet another post about our continually postponed adoption made me feel like I was wrapped up in clinging plastic and stuck with my fingers in "index pointing" position. (Awkward picture, eh?)

So, in true form to how I do most anything that I am overwhelmed with...
I walked away.
Unannounced.
I didn't write, I didn't call, I didn't text...I kind of just shut down.
It is clearly not ideal and often quite hurtful to people that I am close with but who really wants to hang out with a girl with crazy hair wrapped up like a plastic mummy? Exactly.

In my time away, I turned 30. Which obviously made me much wiser and sound of mind. I had some time to reflect on this past year and all of the really incredible things that I DIDN'T write about. Yup. Thats right. Good things actually happened! I was just too consumed with our adoption to recognize it.

I realized that although our journey has been crazy and amazing and tons of people have wrapped their arms around us in support, prayer, and love...it is not the only thing going on in my life. And when I let it get to that...I felt smothered. I felt trapped. I felt exhausted.

Just like those people that ONLY EVER talk about their kids. We were ONLY EVER talking about our adoption. And we don't even have a kid yet! Yikes. Not cool, Andersons. Not cool.

So, now that we are both thirty, flirty, and thriving-ish? and clearly WAAAY wiser than we were 12 month ago...
We wanted to share a few moments that made this past year make us not want to walk away and shutdown from the world. Obviously, some adoption stuff is interweaved but hey, we can't just pretend it isn't happening!

Quick Recap:

~Began January with beginning our adoption from South Africa. Announced it with a pic of us through a pic of an iPhone. Classic. 

~ Spent amazing times with friends on the sunny beaches of California. Should have taken advantage of that more (cough, -13 today, cough).

~ A visit from my beautiful friend Jenny, Erik's 30th birthday trip to Chicago for the Cubs Home Opener, and family visits out to California full of wine, golf, and blueberry picking.

~ Quality and amazing friendships made over the past 6 years because God brought us to California to begin our marriage, all of whom we have been unbelievably blessed by!

~A sad farewell to a trusty ole car that was stolen and stripped and towed to the salvage yard. RIP Green Machine.

~Dossier #2: finished. 

~ Celebrated 5 years of laughing, loving, crying & adventuring by getting tattoos. We are so romantic. 

~Finished up our year at Modesto Covenant with an incredible group of students, a crazy Adventure trip to somewhere in Nevada, and people who will forever be a part of our hearts. They packed up our apartment into a UHAUL in less than 2 hours. No joke. Rockstars.

~We moved. Like big time moved to Minnesota. God called, we answered. Our journey was epic. Still is. 

~ Moved into a 1923 house that we love, started at a new church that we love, live in a city that we love. I mean...it's okay or whatever.

~ Travelled to Colorado for my cousin's wedding, spent quality time with the fam, and DANCED like I had the lead role in Footloose.

~Our nephew, Wells, was born and we are obsessed. 

~Watching Bella walk in snow for the first time in her life. Hilarious. 

~Enjoying being close to one of my favorite families in this entire nation/world, seeing family more often, cutting down our own Christmas trees, and exploring parts of the Midwest I've never seen before. 

~ Siblings. 

So here's to a new year, probably filled with a lot more adoption news than anyone ever wanted to know, but also filled with sweet moments outside of that which define our lives and bring us life. 

I suppose sometimes walking away to gain perspective on all the good isn't so bad after all. 

Cheers and Adios to 2013. 

The Injured Reserve

This thing is going a lot different than I thought.

This is all I kept hearing while Erik was watching a video in our living room last night.

I immediately was quick to tell him that I obviously did not like that man who was talking on the video. I think my exact words were "Well, that is stupid." (Watch the video and you will clearly see that what he says is amazing and not stupid in any way. I was in denial.)

This thing is going a lot different than I thought. We are on the injured reserve list right now. Benched for the time being. As far as we know, we won't be called into the game anytime soon. At least not until after Christmas.

This thing is going a lot different than I thought, but God is still faithful.

I never thought an NFL Quarterback could bring me a big dose of perspective on our adoption. I was wrong.

Nothing I Hold On To

I was woken up this morning by a hot cup of coffee on my bed stand  from my husband. Coffee and then really loud worship music in the bathroom while he showered.

Don't get me wrong, I love worship music. And worshipping. Just not before my coffee. (That is probably a stronghold worth working on.)

"I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven."

Boooooo. I like my coffee. I like my own understanding. Control issues much?

"I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven."

We get it, Will Reagan, you don't have to repeat yourself a billion times. What is the point of that anyway?

"I give it all to you, God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me."

Whoa. 

"I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There's nothing I hold on to."

Clearly, God doesn't care if I haven't had my morning coffee yet to start a conversation with me. 

I'm clearly moody about it. But, I'm listening. 

Maybe just with one ear. 

There's nothing I hold on to.

In my life, especially with our adoption, I sometimes find myself in too deep. My thoughts, my words, my actions, my world...I cling so tightly. 

Recently, it has been even worse, wondering if we are going to get through to court before December, knowing that if we don't have a court date for November, we will be waiting until after the new year to bring our girl home. We are pushing through paperwork, talking with immigration, mass communicating with social workers, praying for governments to play nice, compiling our travel expenses knowing that if this all goes through we might have just a few days notice to hop on a plane and go. 

"I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There's nothing I hold on to."

And then there is that. How do you even climb a mountain with no hands! That doesn't even make sense. 

I suppose that is the point.
Got it, God.

We are praying for things that don't make sense. That seem impossible. That can't happen.

Nothing I hold on to. 

This is our prayer and we ask that it be yours for us as well. With prayers of court dates, paperwork, miracles, our daughter...

We ask for prayers to climb this mountain with our hands wide open. To rest in the hands of the maker. That we would be made beautiful through this process and His glory would be made known. 

Nothing I hold on to.

Nothing we hold on to.

The Start Of It All...well...kind of.

Oh hey.

Long time no talk.
That's my bad. Don't worry...you haven't missed...much?

The long and short of it is this...

In the end of July we got our South African Central Authority approval to go forward with our adoption.

1 very short week later, we packed up a Uhaul and trucked halfway across the country to Minnesota to start a new chapter in life.

One even shorter week after that we arrived in St. Paul, moved into our new house, had a Home Study update, Erik started his new job as a High School Youth Pastor and we waited for our official referral. 

One very LONG month after that....

We received a phone call. And an email. Today.

You better believe it. 

WE GOT OUR REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are just a little excited. Just a little. 

Crazy ride in, eh?

More to come soon! I promise I won't make you wait another month to update you! But for now...

HOLY COW!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!

Times...They Are A Changin'

“To make a shift from one to another,” “to give a different position, course, or direction,” “to make radically different.” These are just some of the ways “change” is defined. And if we are all being honest here….change is never easy. It forces us to let go of control, to throw away our checklists (side note…I have a deep love for checklists), causes many sleepless nights, and destroys the walls of our comfort zone.

But both my husband and I sense that God has ordered a plate of change for our lives with a side of “buckle up for the ride.”

So here is what is going on with the Andersons. A few months ago, my incredible husband Erik was approached by a church in Minnesota about possibly coming on staff with them in an awesome opportunity to serve as their High School Pastor. We were completely surprised by the conversation since we hadn't been looking at other churches and are obviously not at an ideal spot in our lives to move. We had been praying non-stop since we starting talking with them and being careful to listen extremely closely and clearly to where God was leading.

After a lot of time, prayer, and conversations, we decided to accept this call. It was and has been a super hard decision and not one (if you ask me) that seems to make any sense as far as timing goes...but we feel clear and confident that God has called us to go and we are doing our best to be faithful to Him.

So…in 8 days we will be packing up and heading back toward the Midwest. It has and will continue to be a total whirlwind!

We can’t say enough how thankful we are to all of the people who loved us so much over the years here in Modesto, at our church and the community that has been built up around us. The students, families, and friends that we have grown to love so much are so incredible and we have been so blessed by each of them in unbelievable ways.  They have made us better people in everyway possible.

And specifically looking back on our adoption journey, we could not have come this far without each of them. When we felt alone, weak, confused, excited, scared out of our minds, joyful, the community here has wrapped their arms around us, encouraged us, and loved us and our future children so fully…it is hard to even put into words.

We hate that we have to say goodbye (or more like see you soon) to friends that we have depended on the last several years, but we are so thankful that we do have those friendships and all of the support, love, and encouragement that we have received in the last 6 years of our journey.

So here is to life’s next step and next adventure. And as hard as it is to say farewell…

We can’t wait to see what God has planned. 

A Battle Cry.

Funny story. 

I prayed for my spiritual armor today. 

It was a joke, God. I didn't really mean that I wanted to go into battle!!

But the battlefield is exactly where I am standing right now.

Without going into much detail yet, the Anderson's have had a hard 24 hours. A lot to handle in a short span of time. Yesterday, I told Erik to bring me home and I ate a lot of ice cream. 

Some adoption stuff, some life stuff, some "car stolen in the middle of the night" stuff.

But between those heavy double breath cries and some spoonfuls of sugar, I was reminded of a friend's blog way back from last year. And a quote that she posted that made me smile at the time. 

I may not be smiling today, but I'm battle crying. 

And as ugly as it may be, I am finding more strength than I could ever imagine to fight in a battle that I prayed to be prepared for. 

Bring it. 

5.

I remember walking into a room full of people.

Welcomed by the screaming mouth of a stuffed bobcat head that hung over the futon, I sat down to hear stories from the infamous Erik Anderson.

I don't know if I was more scared of the bobcat or the sound of my rapidly beating heart...

But either way,

He had me at hello.

And he still gets me at hello.

Even after all these years.

Happy 5 years, Mr. Anderson.

I love you more than hello can say.

And I'm glad you don't still have the bobcat.

Unto Us.

For today...yes today...

a child is born to us.

A son is given to us. 

The government will rest on his shoulders. 

And he will be called:

Wonderful Counselor. Mighty God. Everlasting Father. Prince of Peace.

With grateful and expectant hearts today, not just for what is to come but for what has come...

Merry Christmas indeed.

The Andersons

Christmas Time is Here...

Part 1...

of potentially a few.

Thought I'd throw a few snapshots of what Christmas in St. Louis is looking like these days...

And yes, it is as incredible as it seems.

For Those Wondering...

This is me.

Airport-a-month girl.

Wifey girl.

Photographer girl.

Worship Leader girl.

Girls Ministry Leader…girl.

Adoptive Parent Journey-er girl.

Blogger/Absent blogger girl.

Completely overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, over it…girl.

I find myself sitting in another terminal, getting ready for another flight, to another city and I’m starting to wonder if I should just ask Oakland if I could set up camp in their airport.

I’m charming enough to not be a TSA threat, right?

I’ve been too tired to blog. And I’ve been watching an unhealthy amount of TV.

Like, REALLY unhealthy.

To my credit …

Once Upon A Time and Parenthood...

I mean, come on! You can’t even say that you’re not addicted if you watch. That would just be straight lying.

And Netflix live streaming…

Whoa. What up simultaneous blessing and curse?

I told Erik the other day that I have resorted to this behavior because it is the only thing I can do that doesn't require my mind to be creative.

Shut it off.

Power down.

Let other creative people do their job and entertain my frying mind. 

Anyway, like I said…

I’m sitting in the airport.

Actually, it is lucky that I am writing and not catching a show on Netflix before take-off.

I wasn't kidding. I have a problem.

My initial reason for flying back to the Midwest is sad. I will be attending my Uncle’s funeral and spending the next couple days reminiscing memories of his life, telling old stories and honoring the greatest things about who he was. It will be a bittersweet time for sure.

The days that follow the service and precede Christmas, however, will be an unexpected blessing…

An extended stay with family that I am realizing will become a necessary mending time for my creative soul.

Maybe we could call it a “tune-up”. 

Like the greasy, messy, expensive one where the guys in the one piece jumpsuits come in and make a gracious but "what the heck have you been doing to your car" face and say "This might take longer than expected."

My prayer: Restoration.

My hope: Renewal.

My anticipation: Rest.

Well and obviously all of that mixed with a lot of laughing, a lot of fun, and a lot of…wine?

And hopefully a lot of blogging. 

That is, of course, once I get my act together.

Oh. And finish Season 3 of Parenthood.