Nothing I Hold On To

I was woken up this morning by a hot cup of coffee on my bed stand  from my husband. Coffee and then really loud worship music in the bathroom while he showered.

Don't get me wrong, I love worship music. And worshipping. Just not before my coffee. (That is probably a stronghold worth working on.)

"I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven."

Boooooo. I like my coffee. I like my own understanding. Control issues much?

"I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven."

We get it, Will Reagan, you don't have to repeat yourself a billion times. What is the point of that anyway?

"I give it all to you, God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me."

Whoa. 

"I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There's nothing I hold on to."

Clearly, God doesn't care if I haven't had my morning coffee yet to start a conversation with me. 

I'm clearly moody about it. But, I'm listening. 

Maybe just with one ear. 

There's nothing I hold on to.

In my life, especially with our adoption, I sometimes find myself in too deep. My thoughts, my words, my actions, my world...I cling so tightly. 

Recently, it has been even worse, wondering if we are going to get through to court before December, knowing that if we don't have a court date for November, we will be waiting until after the new year to bring our girl home. We are pushing through paperwork, talking with immigration, mass communicating with social workers, praying for governments to play nice, compiling our travel expenses knowing that if this all goes through we might have just a few days notice to hop on a plane and go. 

"I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There's nothing I hold on to."

And then there is that. How do you even climb a mountain with no hands! That doesn't even make sense. 

I suppose that is the point.
Got it, God.

We are praying for things that don't make sense. That seem impossible. That can't happen.

Nothing I hold on to. 

This is our prayer and we ask that it be yours for us as well. With prayers of court dates, paperwork, miracles, our daughter...

We ask for prayers to climb this mountain with our hands wide open. To rest in the hands of the maker. That we would be made beautiful through this process and His glory would be made known. 

Nothing I hold on to.

Nothing we hold on to.

Rescued.

I know, son. I know.

You know that you haven't written on your blog in a long time when you hit the bookmarked link you have to direct yourself to it's homepage and you are signed out.

I almost didn't remember the password.

I've missed this little sucker but you know what I have missed more? Sanity.

I feel like I have been all sorts of all over the place in the last few weeks and don't exactly know how to get back to the point on the spinning top that...well...doesn't spin.

I'm not sure if you have heard of Jon Acuff, but if you haven't, you should get to know him. He is amazing. He writes books and talks all over the place but one of my favorite things he does is his blog, Stuff Christian Like.

It is awesome.

Especially when you work at a church and have grown up as a Christian your entire life! It is all the stuff that you have always thought but never put into words.

I won't get into it now...but read it. Cause its REAL good.

Erik sent me a link to one of his blog posts today and since I don't particularly have the stamina to write on my own blog, I decided to steal his. :) Copyright issues? #innocent mistake.

I know that I for sure needed to hear this, so I'm hoping maybe some of you do as well. Happy reading!

"The Soft x" by Jon Acuff at www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike

"I cried in the Chicago Airport.

And these were not tough guy, lumberjack, I just punched a mountain lion in the face with my bare fist kind of tears. These were sad and tired and give up tears.

I was flying home from a conference in Chicago. I had been the closing keynote speaker and it had gone really well. That’s not what I was crying about though. I was crying because of what I knew would happen when I landed.

I knew I would take the train to my car, grab work clothes, change in the handicapped stall and then disappear into a sea of cubicles. I didn’t hate my job, not at all, it just wasn’t what I felt called to do. The Stuff Christians Book wasn’t out yet, but the site was doing well. I had this completely different life starting to develop and it was hard to go back to work and act like Chicago had all been just a dream.

This was long before the opportunity at Dave Ramsey. This was a doldrums period where I was just writing and writing and writing, but things weren’t happening the way I thought they would.

I sat in meetings about TPS reports and budgets and would get frustrated with God, wondering if he even saw me. Wasn’t he the one who put this burning in my heart? Wasn’t it his call that I was answering? This wasn’t how life was supposed to go.

Have you ever felt that way?

Has there ever been a situation where you had an expectation that you felt like God simply wasn’t meeting? I think most of us have experienced that.

Right now, someone reading this blog is mourning a marriage that fell apart. You wanted to be the first in your family to have a grandkid for your parents, not the first to get divorced.

Right now, someone is in a gray cubicle and the degree they got, the passion they followed in college is a million miles away from how they spend 40+ hours every week.

Right now, there’s someone struggling with an issue that refuses to release it’s talons even though you’re occasionally able to shake it for a few “good weeks.”

Right now, someone had to send out wedding cancellation notes, because it’s off.

Right now, there’s a man who feels a lot less than a man because he doesn’t have a job and can’t provide for his family.

Right now there are a million different versions of “Don’t you see me God?” happening. And so we doubt and get angry and lonely. But we are not the only ones with expectations that go astray.

In Genesis 48, the same thing happens to Joseph, of the double rainbow coat fame. He has brought his two sons to his father Israel for his blessing. We don’t understand this culturally because we don’t really do this anymore, but this was a critical, massive thing that was about to take place. Manasseh was about to receive Israel’s blessing. That was what should happen. That was what Joseph expected.

Joseph the faithful. Joseph the former slave, former convict, former saved all of Egypt from death and destruction. Joseph had a great track record at this point. He was a deeply wise man of God. He knew what was about to happen. By lineage, by tradition, by faith, Manasseh was about to get blessed by Israel.

Only he doesn’t.

It doesn’t happen that way. Instead of doing what he should have done, Israel crosses his arms and forms an X, placing his hands on the heads of the wrong children. He blesses Ephraim, the wrong son in Joseph’s mind.

And in 48:17 we see what happens: When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim’s head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father’s hand to move it from Ephraim’s head to Manasseh’s head.

Joseph has lived his entire life with one belief about how a blessing is passed down. This is his, “I got my Master’s Degree in teaching, I should get a teaching job” moment. This is his, “People get married after college, that’s what they do,” moment. This is what he’s always been ready for and it goes the exact opposite way.

So Joseph, like me or you trying to fix a mistake, says, “No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head.”

And how does Israel respond? Does he say, “Oh, I am failing of sight and made a mistake?” Does he reply, “Thank you for correcting this situation?”

No.

He says simply, “I know, my son, I know.”

And that is an incredibly tender thing to say as someone’s expectations crumble.

And I think it’s something God still says to us, even today.

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

I think of this moment as the “soft x.”

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don’t work. Because those times will come. God is not an ATM, bound by our whims. Christ promises us that in this world we will have trouble. But above all, when I think of that soft x I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves you, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

“I know, my son, I know.”

Biometrics, Baby!!

What are we going to be doing the day after we get home from CHIC?
Oh...
That's right...

Getting our biometric fingerprints done!! HOLLA!!!

Just got our appointments in the mail today!

Honest moment...I have no idea what biometric fingerprints really mean. Every time I say it, I think I'm going to come out looking like Ironman.
I'm totally cool with that.

But seriously...God is so good!!

Thank you for all of your prayers!

And who knows, if this whole Ironman thing pans out...this blog could get a whole lot more interesting.

My Life As A Time Lapse

As a kid, I remember watching special videos that my dad made. As a photographer for FOX, this was not a rare occasion. However, this specific video I recall vividly in my mind...and I'm not sure why.

In 1995 St. Louis constructed the Trans World Dome (now known as the Edward Jones Dome) in order to bring the NFL back to the area. I remember my dad spending tons and tons of hours piecing together a time-lapse video of its construction. He was so proud of the result after hours, days, weeks, and months of work. 

I remember watching the video and being proud too.  

I also remember being amazed at seeing something that was built over a long period of time come together in a span of 5 minutes. 

Doesn't it sometimes feel like life is that same way? You work so hard for these huge events in life and then all of a sudden they are over and it feels like you were just living life as a part of a time lapse. 

The last 4 weeks of our lives have felt that. I mean like high speed, crazy outcome, non-stop time lapse. 

Here is a little review. In the last 4 weeks, we have:

• Hosted 1 Student Ministries Fundraiser
• Hosted and ran 2 Adoption Fundraisers
• Completed our Homestudy for Adoption
• Housesat for one of our High School Students
• Had an out of town visitor for a few days
• Successfully put together and completed our High School Mission Trip
• Lead Worship for Sunday Church
• Preached a Sermon
• And a partridge in a pear tree?

I think back and wonder how on earth we fit all of this into our lives (on top of the regular work schedule, photo shoots, bible studies, seminary). When I look back at it, it is just a glimpse of the reality of the time spent to build, construct, and execute the actual events. 

It all happened so fast. 

Now that I have some time to step back and slow down, I look back at the completed month and see the incredible results of all of this madness! 

To list a few...

• Relationships built cross-generationally within our church through raising money for CHIC
• 2 months of prayers and encouragement to get us to the point of completing the first step of our adoption
• $1,700 raised from our Mini Session Photography Fundraiser
• Renewal and Refreshment in old friendships
• Building and deepening in new friendships 
• Seeing the fruits of letting go and trusting God
• Changed lives through service
• Stronger relationships within our student body
• Stirred passion in our hearts for Inner City Missions
• Finding purpose in using our gifts to glorify God 

You can't always see things clearly when you are in the thick of it. Sometimes it takes watching it all pieced together at completion to realize that the whole process...long, daunting, and challenging as it may be...has created something beautiful. Beautiful and lasting.

To Remind Myself

"It is really easy to get overwhelmed along the way of adoption."

I was told this before we started.

Overwhelmed? I can handle overwhelmed. I am the queen of conquering overwhelmed. I have learned to deal.

Funny how awesome we think we are in our own strength...and then how surprised we are when we just can't cut it.

I'm realizing (on a daily basis) that all of this work and effort and time means nothing without giving up control.

Because I get overwhelmed. God doesn't.

"Today put everything into prospective. Stop trying to work things out before their time has come. Accept the limitations of living one day at a time. When something comes to your attention, ask Me whether or not it is part of today's agenda. If it isn't, release it into my care and go on about today's duties.

When you follow this practice, there will be a beautiful simplicity about your life: A time for everything,and everything in its time." - Jesus Calling

My dad sent this in an email to me the other day and I have found myself reading it several times...an hour. 

I need to be reminded because I have let myself get consumed. 

I need to be reminded because I can't do it alone.

I need to be reminded because there is indeed a time for everything. 

So the day prior to a huge fundraiser for our adoption, I am asking not for people to sign up, not that we make lots of money, not even that the rain doesn't come...

But that we can all pray and be reminded to let God be God and to dwell in the wonder and simplicity of the knowledge that He is doing amazing things. 

just one of them days.

I'm so tired. (this is me whining).

Like straight up, dragged down, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritual EXHAUSTED!

5 hour energy can't even cure this situation.

And I don't really have a good excuse. Seriously.

All things considered, I'm a bit of a slacker.

I guess everything just piled up on top of each other and the weight got a bit too heavy today. Ministry, marriage, adoption, photography, fundraising...BLAH!

Do you ever have those days where life is just too much? Where you don't know how you got there but you are literally on the verge of a complete breakdown?

That is me. Right now. Right here. Happening today.

I kind of just want to go sit in a room somewhere for like 4 days and not talk to anyone.

How is that even appealing?

You would have thought there would be some kind of warning, right? Like flashing lights and detours signs? I feel like that pour little kitten hanging from the tree branch.

...I just feel it super necessary to give a visual reminder here in case any of us have forgotten the wonder of "Scholastic" and all of the ridiculous posters they allowed you to purchase in the name of education. Amazing...

Ok back on track...
I'm reminded today of the reason we started this blog and the theme that holds it and our lives together. I don't want to be reminded today, but I am.

And for my sake, I'm going to share it on here today...if only for me having to read it as I type it out to remind myself of its truth.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on your. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

Fundraising for Adoption????

When we first set out on the adoption journey...one of the hardest things to look at face to face was the cost. It almost seems like paired up next to "parenthood", the cost is the WAAAAY scarier and WAAAAYY more unknown! I feel like that is a little twisted.

I'm not going to lie, I have had days where I have thought "I love that we are adopting but I hate that most people who have natural born kids don't have to come up with $30,000 to do it." There is a part of me that feels like it is unfair. That is just an honest moment.

When you feel God call you into something, there are usually 2 things that you can do.

1. Ignore it and pretend like you don't feel the nudges that He keeps giving you...which let's be honest...could probably get quite annoying after a while.

2. Follow. Follow and step forward with CRAZY amounts of trust.

Sometimes, I feel like the first choice is easier because it is way more tempting to just ignore something than it is to actually do something about it.

In our first meeting with Bethany Christian Services, our social worker handed us a packet of a whole bunch of different banks that do Adoption Loans. It seemed like that would be a quick cork in the money problem if that is what direction we wanted to go.

Keep in mind, in the adoption process, it is not like a "Here is the huge chunk of money that you will have to pay and you can just pay it off as you feel led." It is more of a "Here is the amount you owe, pay it and we will move to the next step."

So, in my mind...Adoption Loan = Yes!

Then the whole trust thing came into play. We have had some close and important people in our lives talk with us about the Adoption Journey. Their advice?

"Don't do a loan. Trust God for the money. Because if God has brought you into this calling, He will not use debt to accomplish it."

Ok. That looks theoretically AWESOME on paper. Not so much when a bill is looking you in the face for double the amount that you have in your bank account.

So, I have struggled to come to a place where I can confidently say that I trust God to work in some really incredible ways to make this happen. Which is funny...because He has provided in amazing ways already throughout each step of this journey!

I have also really struggled with the fact that we have to ask others around us to support us.
Because seriously, I know very few people who love to ask others, in your most vulnerable state, for help. And I know even less people who LOVE asking for financial support. It is awkward, uncomfortable, and subject to serious judgement.

So if you have ever questioned why someone is fundraising for adoption, have considered fundraising for adoption, or are in the process of doing so...

This is where we have personally landed on this matter...

We can't do it by ourselves. We are doing everything that we can and making every sacrifice that we can make to save money and move forward. But we can't do it alone.

And we don't believe we were called to do it alone. We believe that God has put us in a spot to minister to others and allow others to minister to us. To humble ourselves enough to recognize that we are not in control, that we have to fully trust God, and that it is okay to ask for help in this calling that is not just about us, but about an orphan, and ultimately about living out the gospel.

So is fundraising for adoption okay?

I believe it is more than okay. I believe it is the body of Christ at its finest.

Daily Reminders

While Erik has been away...studying about the depth and goodness of God...experiencing mind and heart changing knowledge...spending hours in a basement room reading, learning, and listening...he has gently reminded me that his heart and mind are also filled with these thoughts...

Each of these pictures he made and sent to me to remind me of our journey and our joy. I have the best husband. Ever. 

Equipped.

A little less than a year and a half ago I was sitting in the basement conference room of a Marie Calendar's in Pismo Beach, CA listening to a man talk to pastors and their spouses.

My spouse was currently NOT present as he was learning to hear God's voice more clearly in the vastness of nature, fondly known as the "Back Nine".

I had just come off of a weekend conference for Youth Leaders in San Diego, stacked with famous worship leaders, powerful speakers, and more free candy than anyone could ever dream.

Often times, these kinds of things overwhelm me to the point of no return. It is a lot of people. A lot of Christian "networking". A lot of youth pastors with back packs and new balance shoes. A lot of seminars. A LOT of "God".

Please note: I am not talking about the "lot of God" that is good, satisfying, and necessary. I'm talking about the "lot of God" that is in your face, publicized, "if you don't raise your hands in a powerful fist pumped toward the heavens during worship you must not be a very good Christian" lot of God.

There is a huge difference.

So...maybe it was that.
Maybe I was coming down off of a starstruck sugar high...

Either way...I was tired, moody, and didn't want to be stuck in a room with a whole bunch of pastors. Again.

Usually in these situations, I come up with a really good excuse for why I need to "rest" in my hotel room and spend some quiet time with the Lord aka catch up on my missed shows on Hulu.

But this day, I was through the door of the conference room, sitting at a table, "spouse-less", with notebook and bad attitude in hand.

This is the message I heard that morning. The message that I needed to hear and haven't forgotten.

God's intentions are not thwarted by our failures. Even through defeat, He is carrying out His call on your life. Why? Because He has been working on our call before we were even here. He has equipped us with everything that we need to walk into His call because...

What is ordinary to us becomes extraordinary for the sake of God. 

This Christmas, as a gift from my brother-in-law, this message became a permanent reminder to me that God is faithful, that He has equipped me with what I need to walk into His call, and that it is ALL about Him. 

May we always be reminded that walking this walk requires faith, action, trust, and obedience. 

And sometimes, we just have to step out of our comfortability and insecurities to recognize that we have been equipped with extraordinary resources to live, love, and make God known. 

The Only Thing

I tend to try and accomplish all tasks at once.
It is the way my brain works.
I give myself a list...and BOOM! Like a horse released from the gates...I'm runnin!

And these are not like "Do laundry and pick up milk" tasks.

These are like "Sell the car, adopt a child, bring every person in Modesto to Christ, and accomplish World Peace TODAY!!" tasks.

Erik always says "Jessa, you aren't going to be able to save the world in one day."
To which I usually respond with an "I know."

In my heart...I am really thinking, "Says who?"

Sometimes I think I'm invincible.

When I end up curled in a ball on my couch, rocking back and forth, crying on the phone to my poor husband who is at Seminary trying to study, I often wonder how I got to this place.

Really, Jessa? Really?

So, this morning...I decided to spend some much needed time with a guy who usually brings about a lot of peace in my life. This is what He said to me...

"Jessa, I will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

So how about erasing my "Do this, Do that" list...and just adding the only thing that I really need to do?

Be still.

You're Mine

In our devotions this morning, we read Isaiah 43:1-4. 
I tell you what...
It rocked our lives. 
I know what you are thinking...everything rocks the Anderson's lives these days. But, wow...
What a glorious and awe-filled reminder of who God is. 

But now, God's Message, 
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, 

the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.    

I've called your name. You're mine.

When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.    

When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.

When you're between a rock and a hard place,it won't be a dead end—

Because I am God, your personal God,The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you:all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!

That's how much you mean to me!    

That's how much I love you!

I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,    

trade the creation just for you.

Reading these words, we hear God's voice echoing into our worries, anxieties, self-consciousness and doubts.

He is passionate about being in and among our lives. So much that He would do anything...that He DID everything! 

I guess what we are trying to say through these ramblings and teary eyes, with coffee in hand...

We hope that we can remember these words each day and that our child will grow up knowing the same truth about the incomprehensible love of God. 

Getting the Word Out...

Wow...I feel like someone who looks at a map on paper of what it looks like to run a marathon and says, "FO SHO! I got this in the bag!"
You slip into those running shorts, lace up those tennis shoes, charge up the iPod, and hop on the road, then realizes 2 blocks later that running is way harder and way more exhausting than it looks on paper.

Yup. That is me today.

But lets be honest...I TOTALLY want to do it! I just didn't realize the actual "running" part isn't as easy as the Nike commercials make it out to be.

I've got the shoes. Got the map. Got the jams. Now we just need help training! So, I'm calling on all of you who have better lungs and better training than I do...

HELP US GET THE WORD OUT!

As we begin our adoption journey, we are going to need all the help that we can get! We already have felt the love and support of so many around us and feel so blessed by our friends and family. But, we still need help! We believe so deeply in this call, so deeply in the Lord's faithfulness, and so deeply in the whole process of adoption and God's call on all of our lives to love and protect the orphans!

So, how can you help? Just talk about it! Let people know about us or others that are going through this journey. Direct people to our blog. Get involved!

I've learned that it is easier to run with an accountability partner anyway. So...let's lace up those tennies and get going!

Focal Point.

This is where we are keeping our eyes today. It is easy to forget sometimes...but after all...He is holy. 

In case you were wondering...

Yup. That is right folks! We have officially started down the road of adoption! And holy cow...

And we are STOKED!!!!

More than 2 years ago, we started having conversations about our future, our family, our desires for what that family might look like. Knowing that we had some odds against us, we brought up the idea of adoption...scary and seemingly unrealistic. But, both of our hearts were filled when we would think about even the idea! God was clearly moving...and we are learning not to mess with God.

Over this past year, we have been to doctors, had some testing done, and done our fair share of research as to the problems we were facing with our own intentions of being pregnant. We sat down and made the decision that this would be as far as we were going to go. No needles, no excessive testing, no procedures. If we were going to spend our money somewhere, it was going to be on a child that needed a home.

Now obviously we had our own plans. Right?
The ones that when God says "Walk Forward," you say, "God...clearly not right now. You obviously don't understand our timeline or plans!"

We decided to wait to pay off our debts, set into place a secure savings, and THEN pursue an adoption that would take maybe 2 or more years. Sounds solid, yeah?! We thought so too!

But, God had different plans.

There is honestly nothing scarier and more awesome than going to your spouse with a tug on your heart to do something that you had specifically talked about NOT doing and then finding out that they had the same tug. And that tug....well that tug is changing our lives.

So...
God is moving and preparing, we are trusting and praying (and filling out TONS of paperwork), and within the next few years...we will be the proudest parents of a little boy or girl from Ethiopia!

This is the beginning of our journey and we are so scared, nervous, excited, elated, and looking forward to what God has in store for us...because we know the end result is going to be incredible!

And that is why God rocks.

Reality Check.

Debt sucks.

Reality check #2.

When you realize that your debt is over a swimsuit coverup you had to have in 2006 that was so generously donated to Goodwill in 2007 because it was "so last season".

The truth is...we struggle. And I know a lot of people do. But for me, it is easier to justify debt from owning a house or raising a family over debt from splurging on too many superficial things.

And I guess now, more than ever, we are feeling stuck in the reality of our debt vs. our future family. That is a heavy burden. One that we placed on ourselves and now one that we have to deal with.

Dave Ramsey (a great and wise man who offers relief from debt for many families) tells you to start with the snowball effect. The "pay off the little things first to gain momentum" idea.

Well, what happens while you are waiting for the snow to fall so you can begin making your snowball?

It is hard to find momentum when you feel like every time you start, you hit another road block. Whether it is a car breaking down or a medical bill that needs to be payed...sometimes it just seems like too much.

Don't get me wrong...we are SO blessed! God has completely offered provision to us in amazing ways and through amazing people.

This is just one of our realities right now. A hard but true reality and one that we are looking at face to face and ready to change.

Sup World!

I feel like I should start this post like I started my diary when I was 13.

"Dear Diary,

So sorry that it has been a while since I've written. I have been so busy..."

(which....I think I would LOVE to know what I was "busy" with when I was 13)

But for reals....

Sorry it has been a while. I would like to say it really has been because I've been busy...but really it has been because I've been busy being not-busy. At least for the last few weeks.

That is right.

I checked out.

See ya on the flip!

Hasta Luego!

Sianara!

(that is about as far as my "goodbyes" in other languages takes me)

It was a nice little break away from the chaos of life because let's see...since we last talked we have braved a Tsunami Warning, redone our backyard, planned and executed an amazing Oregon Mission Trip, thrown an end of the year 200 person party, managed to loose the capabilities of reverse in our car, fight off and be somewhat conquered by spring allergies, hire a summer intern, take a trip to St. Louis, on top of the usual day to day small groups, youth groups, Sunday School, meetings, worship, planning, organizing, cleaning, as well as solve the world's dilemma of world peace.

Ok...maybe not the world peace thing...but we are working on it.

After some much needed R&R at the Heyse B&B and some fantastic soul time with old friends and new family members....I'm feelin....well....back.

And apart from the couple days under the weather with some cold-like symptoms...and after the heroic attempt at caring for me by my husband (which lasted about 12 hours before he gave me a puppy dog look and with a great sigh said "I'm ready for you to feel better") I'm ready. I think. 

I am so needy!!!

           So this past week my incredible wife Jessa has been out of town visiting her loving family in St. Louis. The time that she gets to spend with her mom, dad, and the “sister’s of glory” is priceless for her. One of the things I cherish about my dear lady is that she values time with her family. It brings her overflowing joy. That being said….

            Every time she leaves for an extended period of time I am left to my primitive, male, quesadilla eating devices. I forget to do the simplest things! Finding my socks become an all morning adventure, brushing my teeth is like climbing Everest, and don’t get me started about the deodorant (mostly because I can’t find it.) I thought I was developing as a husband! I really didn’t think I was this needy, for reals!

            Through the trials of laundry, watering flowers, and learning how to properly iron a dress shirt (still looked like it was at the bottom of laundry bag)….all of this got me thinking about the life that Christ led. More specifically the “humanness” He shared with us. You see, most days I see the life of Christ and how He lived and instantly become overwhelmed by the task of mirroring it. If I can’t find my left shoe in the morning, then how am I ever fully model my life after Christ?

            What I am discovering is that Christ lived a life that was fully God and fully human. Growing up I never heard, was taught, or led to understand the humanness of Christ. I understood and sort of grasped the death/resurrection portion of the story, but the humanness portion was left out. Until recently. For me, Erik Peter Anderson, to know that Jesus experienced the elements of the human experience brings me relief. It’s as if Jesus is right here next to me saying, “Erik, you silly goose, it’s going to be ok. I’ve been there….” It leads to me see that my needs are not as isolated and “out of the blue” as I might believe. Christ felt the needs that I wrestle with and feel defeated by today (well maybe not the sock part…)

 A tender moment I see this playing out in His life is when he experienced my biggest need right now, companionship. …He needed His friends… In Matthew 26:36-38 - When faced with the prospect of betrayal and death, Jesus requested that his three closest friends support him in his hour of despair. Seeing this side of our Savior ushers me into a moment of liberation. He did not experience life in a sublime realm of perfection. Christ felt as I feel. I don’t have to feel alone when the going gets tough. We can have moments and seasons where we lean on others when we are weak or need guidance. Because the truth is…(and I hate to admit this)…I can’t do it alone. This aspect is so foreign to me. For me, knowing the full goodness of God and Jesus -  is knowing the full, true humanness that allows us to be free from our expectations. Understanding His humanness is why I now discover His fulfilled perfection, which extends hope into my life. Through His humanness I find what I have been looking for all along….me. It’s time to rely on the one who knows where we’ve been….

PS – Jessa – I really have no idea where I would be without you. Thank you for always being there.

PSS – It’s time to come home….  I Love you. 

Erik

Like A Ball Of Yarn

One more day left until my husband comes home. Holy cow am I ready! I miss that guy like crazy!
The simple truth is that he most definitely holds me together. I don't think I fully knew this until he was absent. I'm beginning to think that I have completely unraveled in two weeks.

Example A:  I gave up diet coke. SERIOUSLY?!? And no...I'm not pregnant. I saw a news story about how it is KILLING people and decided now is not my time to go. So...cold turkey. DONE.

Example B: I have a joined a new family.They are a complex and intricately amazing family known as the Walkers. You can get to know them on the show Brothers & Sisters on ABC or on your live streaming NetFlix.

The truth of the matter is, I didn't realize how much I depended on him for my sanity. Don't get me wrong...I love my independence. But, when my husband, best friend, boss, singing partner, best listener, counselor, comedian is gone...well...I just unravel.

However, I've begun to believe that the "unraveling" of myself is not all that bad. I am learning that as things come undone, there begins to be more space for God. More space for....rest.

"The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play." - Henri Nouwen


So, in preparation for Erik's return, I have challenged myself. Maybe instead of giving things up or distracting myself with fake realities...I should remember that solitude is not all that bad. That it is a gift and a discipline that I often overlook. And that the movement into solitude is a practice I should include in my life. 


And maybe...just maybe...all this unraveling is necessary to gently and persistently draw into our Savior. 

Fresh Friday

What exactly is a Fresh Friday? I don’t know. I was looking for something catchy to go with Friday.

So, I’m assuming I can define “Fresh” however I want.

I’m thinking along the lines of “Fresh Honest Perspective.”

So, here we have it…

I hold grudges. Yes…I do. You know how it says in 1 Corinthians 13 that Love holds no records of wrongs. I pretty much fail at this. I have a store house of records, all neatly typed and filed away in my heart, so that when the timing is right (of course…in the heat of battle…always prepared like William Wallace) I whip those suckers out and BAM!! Not only am I going to be upset about the conflict that is going on now…but also about the one from Section B Column Q Row 5.39. Gotcha!

I had a conversation with a girl yesterday, years younger than myself. “Conflicts could be resolved so much more easily if people were willing to concentrate on the issue at hand and not all the issues that happened in the past. Why can’t people just forgive? I mean…REALLY forgive?”

A Fresh Honest Perspective from the mouth of a 15 year old girl.

Why is it so hard to forgive? To hold no records of wrong?

And wouldn’t this world be just a little bit better if we attempted to take those files and records that we so bitterly store away for heated moments and just….throw them away?

How are we supposed to love one another with filing cabinets chained to our hearts?