Summer in Youth Ministry proves to be a very time consuming ordeal, which has been fine with me! Frankly, I didn't feel like putting my thoughts to blog. Some seasons just seem to give you more energy to write about your life. I guess summer is not one of them for me!
But we press on...
This summer, I have been reading a book with my friend Ellen called "TrueFaced." The book is all about learning how to trust God and others with who you really are and recognizing that when we live into the reality of our true identity, God does crazy amazing things in our lives!
The funny thing is...I know that.
The not so funny thing is...I still don't live like it.
The whole first chapter is about "Masks." Masks that we wear to disguise what is really going on inside. Masks that put up a facade that says "I'm all good. Aren't you?" There are apparently three types....I am the "Doin' Just Fine" kind. Always "doing just fine." No problems here. Livin' the ministry dream!
The reality is...I'm not always "doin' just fine." And recently, I have felt the weight of this mask more than any other. I think when you are a Christ follower, especially working in ministry, people expect you to be fine. We would never ADMIT that we think everybody needs to have it all together but honestly, we make it seem like that is the standard or the norm. But what if we didn't expect everyone to always "be fine" or "have it all together"? Maybe then people wouldn't be so scared to take off their masks and share what is really going on inside.
This March I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. After 2 years of unofficially "trying" to have kids, we decided that I should go see if something was going on. PCOS was the result. Aside from many other issues that it may cause, infertility is probably the scariest. And the one the stares me closest in the face. And the thing is...this is not a rare diagnosis! There are tons of people that have this and tons of success stories of women who have children naturally and live long happy lives.
My heart doesn't often feel that hopeful. There are days that I am angry. Days that I question everything. Days that I just don't want to talk about when Erik and I are going to have a family. And days where I really doubt what God has in store for our lives.
But, what I am learning is that putting on a mask and pretending that everything is "just fine" is doing nothing to help. In fact, it is keeping me from trusting others and most importantly, trusting God. I have no clue what God's plans are for our lives. I have no clue if one day we will have children, naturally or through adoption. But, I do know that putting on a mask is only keeping me from living fully into the promises that God has a hope and a future for us. And that God's plan for us is to be a reflection of who He is.
The only problem is...paper mache doesn't reflect.
So...the masks are coming off.